I refrain from off-topic rants here at Cerulean Sanctum, but I’m going to drop a bomb today because it has something to do with stewardship and the call of God to care for Creation.

This is directed at all the “animal lovers” out there who love to leave their extraneous animal on my property. I guess some of these folks think that my rural location entitles me to care for the pets they don’t want.

I have news I want to break to these scrupulous caretakers of unwanted pets: The kitten you dump on my property will not survive. In fact, it will die a gruesome death while you go back home to your TV dinners and arena football games.

Now this death can take on many forms, and I thought that I would like to share those with you in the hope that you will get some backbone and own up to the fact that you didn’t spay or neuter your parent animal:

1. It will die of starvation. Kittens do not have enough sense to hunt. Though you might think that my property is overrun with mice and voles—and you’d be right—your abandoned kitty will most likely starve to death amid that plenty. Slowly.

2. It will die of thirst. See #1. This is especially true of kittens who do remarkably poorly in the 97 degree heat of summer here.

3. It will die of disease. Ever seen a mange-ridden dog that is little more than an open bar for ticks? I can show you a few—they may even be some of yours.

4. It will meet up with an animal a lot more ferocious than it is. Foxes have little regard for kittens. Coyotes do a good job dismantling smaller dogs. And the kinds of big dogs my neighbors favor would turn The Rock into The Pebble. Can you smell what my neighbor’s Mastiff/Rottweiler mix is cookin’?

5. Cars. Driving much too fast on a rural county road. Get it?

6. Winter. Think feline popsicle here. Ten below zero kind of stuff.

Now we don’t have much problem with stray dogs because illegal dogfighting is quite popular in my county. In fact, my neighbors tend to keep their dogs locked up lest someone get the hankering to turn Rex the Purebred Wonder Dog into the next canine gladiator. Shelters in my county will take dogs for this reason. Still, if you want your extra puppy to be so much kibble for the pit bull Billy Joe Slackjaw torments with a cattleprod, dump him here.

Unwanted cats, on the other hand, might as well be turned into Soylent Green because no one wants stray cats. No shelter within fifty miles of me will take them. Even those nutty “cat ladies” who have to keep moving in their trailers or they’ll be eaten by the hundred or so cats they like to keep on hand are starting to get more discriminating—maybe it’s the lithium in the water. In short, cats turned loose around here succumb to the six things I listed above at a rate of about…well, 100%. I’ve lost track of the ripped-to-shreds kittens I’ve found on my property, some little puffball that happened to encounter a skunk with a bad disposition—or simply a case of rabies.

So to end this little tirade, just don’t. Don’t drop your problem on me because I can’t do a darned thing to compensate for your utter lack of compassion. Don’t assume I have the resources to assume command of your “little problem.” As for me, I’m deathly allergic to cats in the first place.

If this is not you at all, then it may be your neighbor. Let them know what the truth is about “that little trip to the country” they plan on taking with a box of month-old kittens.

Please.

{Note: if there is some kind-hearted soul who would like to take in the abandoned kittens I routinely get around here, please drop me an email. I’ve tried every option I know of; it breaks my heart to see what happens to them.}