The Christian Singles Mess
February 26, 2010
Posted by Dan Edelen in : Boldness, Christianity in North America, Church Issues, Community, Counterculture, Discernment, Godly Character, Leadership, Maturity, Men, Oddities Feedback : 92 comments
Tim Challies posted on Facebook this quote from a book by Richard Phillips:
“One of the biggest problems in the church today is the failure of young adult men to value and pursue marriage.”
That quote really bothered me, honestly. It seems like the typical male-bashing that is so prevalent today: If something is wrong, blame men.
It takes two to tango, though, so I can’t see why the blame must always fall on men for the state of dating today.
I’ve been married since 1996, so I can’t say that I am totally up on every aspect of the Christian single scene circa 2010, but still, I can’t believe it has changed THAT much since my single days. So when I read quotes like the one from Phillips, I just have to wonder if people see the same mess I did.
When I was single…
It was almost always the woman who broke things off in a relationship. I knew a lot of single Christian guys, and they were typically the dumpee, not the dumper. These were good guys, too. They WANTED to get married. It’s just that their girlfriends didn’t—at least not to them. So just who is putting off marriage here?
While both sexes have “lists,” the lists of desirable qualities in a mate that women kept seemed to be more unrealistic than the lists of men. What made this more glaring was that as single women aged, their lists got shorter, while men’s lists tended to stay the same. So which sex is making dating harder?
I dated about a half-dozen women before I met my wife. Twice, women I dated gave me the “you’re too nice” break-up speech—only to have those two later date men who hit them. Worse, they couldn’t bring themselves to break it off with their abusers. I pray that a third of women out there are not dumping nice guys in favor of bad boys, but my experience says otherwise. What kind of message is that sending to men who are “nice”?
A man’s income is a bigger factor than single Christian women care to admit. Plenty of good, caring, honest men don’t make six figures. I’ve seen too many cases of women dropping the “poor” nice guy in favor of the loaded playboy. The outcome is self-fulfilling. So which sex is succumbing to questionable motives?
This is not a post to bash single women. Still, all the culpability for the mess out there can’t be dumped solely at the feet of men.
It’s true that we seem awash in Man-Child Syndrome, with men acting like teenagers into their 30s. But at the same time, thanks to the inevitable outcomes of radical feminism, we’ve also developed this almost predatory female who wants to compete as a man in those elements of life we’ve always associated with manhood. Can anyone claim that THAT’S an improvement for women?
Here’s the even worse problem: quotes like those from Richard Phillips. Why? Because the fixes are not those most Christians are willing to examine. We can complain all we want about the state of male-female relationships today, but the fixes do not amount to telling one sex or the other to get their collective acts together. The problems run deeper.
Here’s an example:
Today, young men must compete for jobs against young women. But the playing field is not level. Every study I have seen in the last few years shows that companies prefer to hire women. Men are also cowed by the threat of sexual harassment lawsuits. Having been in several workplaces where a male coworker was sued for sexual harassment, I can tell you that the effect is chilling, even on those men who would never consider saying or doing anything deemed harassment. I remember commenting to a woman I worked with that I thought she had a great fashion sense and was a smart dresser; she responded, “And just what do you mean by that?” Her response taught me that it was better to not talk to her at all.
This adds up in the lives of men. It amplifies the so-called Battle of the Sexes, a battle that didn’t exist prior to the 1960s and the rise of radical feminism. As men are most often the loser in this battle, this contributes to the Man-Child Syndrome.
I also believe that the way we prepare young people for the work world today exacerbates the problems. Beyond men and women competing for the same jobs, we use college as an excuse for job prep. We throw young people into a largely unsupervised college environment, expect them to put off marriage for four years, expect them them put off marriage for more years after graduation while they “establish their careers” (and justify the massive costs of a college education), and then we wonder why dating and mating is a giant mess.
Yet what Christian leader out there today is willing to question the way we work, earn money, and get an education? Instead, we find a convenient whipping boy, the man-child, and tell him to act like a man—when our entire system is geared for preventing him from doing so.
As I see it, the problems are systemic and difficult, which is why it’s easier for Christians to simply ignore them as we pursue our careers and gather for ourselves the only thing that seems to matter in life: money. Telling men to act like men doesn’t get us anywhere unless we’re prepared to make the changes necessary to mold them into our professed ideal. And those changes may mean revising every aspect of our society and culture.
I wrote about my suggestions for how we Christians can address the issue of singleness in the Church in Singleness: Radical Answers for a Harsh Reality. I also talked about how we Christians are not seeing the bigger picture in dating and mating in The Truth About Women (and Men).
I wish more Christians were willing to look hard at masculinity and femininity breakdowns in our society today and pose genuine solutions that challenge the way we live. If we don’t, how can we expect different outcomes?
Tags: Female, Femininity, Feminism, Girls Gone Wild, Male, Man-Child, Manchild, Marriage, Masculinity, Men, Single, Singleness, WomenRelated posts
Resigned to a Powerless Christianity?
February 16, 2010
Posted by Dan Edelen in : Boldness, Christianity in North America, Church Issues, Counterculture, Discernment, Dying to Self, Faith, Godly Character, Leadership, Maturity, Obedience, Perseverance, Spiritual Warfare Feedback : 55 comments
I talked with fellow believers a few days back after hearing a message about forgiveness. The topic is a standard in Christian circles, but the speaker was well known, so I thought we might hear something new.
The speaker talked about the power of forgiving another person and how freeing that is to the soul. No arguments from me.
But I think that people today don’t need to hear more messages about forgiving individuals. I think many of us realize that we are dust and so are the people who oppose us. How can we be mad at other people then?
When I look around America today, I don’t see people who are mad at individuals. I see people who are mad at systems.
A system is hard to define. It’s more than just a mass of people. It’s a way of doing things. It’s the collective processes that lead to a result, often which is unintended, which in turn causes anger. And sometimes those systems possess an almost palpable malevolence.
Americans today are mad about out-of-control health care systems. I know I certainly am. My health insurance company sent me a note a couple weeks ago saying they will be raising my premium 30 percent March 1. They raised it 30 percent back in September.
Yet to whom should I direct my anger for this? At motorcyclists who don’t wear helmets and don’t have insurance so that my rates go up to compensate their lack of payment to hospitals when they sustain a costly head injury? Or should I blame doctors who order round after round of tests just to ensure they account for that one percent chance at catching a rare disease and thus avoid the inevitable malpractice lawsuit? Should I blame Congress for not removing state-imposed protections for insurance companies, thus preserving high premiums due to a lack of open, national competition?
If I don’t know at whom I should be angry, how do I know to whom I should offer my forgiveness?
Aren’t we all more likely to feel anger at entrenched systems we seem to have no ability to change? Doesn’t that define the corporate anger Americans are feeling right now toward Wall Street, Capitol Hill, and the world at large?
I brought this up with these other Christians. I asked them how we can forgive systems. And if that’s what many people are angry at, why aren’t Christian leaders addressing that anger—and the subsequent means by which we can forgive nameless, faceless systems?
The answer, I was told, is found in the classic “Serenity Prayer” of President Obama’s favorite theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I want to focus primarily on the first section of that prayer.
My issue with American Christianity today is that you and I have somehow taken that idea of acceptance and “gigantified” the bucket containing “the things I cannot change.” In short, our “wisdom to know the difference” between the alterable and inalterable is hopelessly broken.
I’ve had some very sad conversations with young, 5-point Calvinists in the last few years. I’ve never met people so resigned to “fate.” Their concept of God’s sovereignty has gone so far off the deep end that they see no reason to ever wrestle in prayer for anything that seems unchangeable. In truth, they are nothing more than nihilists. I have no idea what they must think of Abraham’s pleading before God in Genesis 18 for the sake of Sodom. They resign themselves to think that God has set the top in motion and nothing can be done to alter its course. They are like the unbelieving leaders in John who asked,
“Is this your son, who you say was born blind? How then does he now see?”
—John 9:19b
How indeed.
But it’s not only the young Calvinists who seemed resigned that nothing can be done. It’s us other Christians too involved in our own lives to lift a finger to make a difference. Our inaction in the face of evil systems will cry out against us come Judgment Day because we loved our own lives too much to become martyrs for some “unchangeable” cause.
Folks, where is the Christian battle?
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
—Ephesians 6:12
Look, you and I can’t change our chronological age, our ancestry, the era into which we were born, and a few things like that. But nearly everything else is up for grabs. Ours is not a calling to serenity but to go out there and fight systems, no matter how innocuous they may seem.
And we can do it too:
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.
—2 Corinthians 10:4
So how is it that so many Christians just roll over and play dead?
If Christians in Rome didn’t fight the prevailing evil Roman system of leaving the old, infirm, and sick to die, how would the Church have grown so rapidly?
If Martin Luther didn’t pound his worthy complaint to the door of the monolithic Roman Catholic Church
, where would the Church universal be today?
If William Wilberforce rolled over and relented to the seemingly unchangeable slave trade in England, where would our world be today?
If Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t stand up for the cause of civil rights in the face of catcalls, baseball bats, and the ever-present threat of a noose on a tree limb, where would American society be today?
And that list can go on and on.
When I hear Christians telling me nothing can be done, the simple answer is that they don’t want to be bothered. They won’t put in the time, energy, prayer, and faith to help make change happen. They don’t want their status and incomes threatened by standing up against tough, systemic opponents.
Increasingly, resignation seems to be the state of much of the Church in America. Doesn’t matter that the Bible repeatedly says that all things are possible with God. We keep thinking that some things are beyond His ability to change.
As for me, I contend that such a god is not the God of the Bible.
Christian, the Enemy is at the gate. Don’t resign your commission by resigning yourself to the way things are. Stand up and make a difference.
Tags: America, Anger, Church Issues, Commitment, Endurance, Forgiveness, Great Commission, Laziness, Maturity, Nihilism, Perseverance, Power, Powerlessness, Resignation, Self-Sacrifice, Selfishness, Selflessness, Spiritual Power, Spiritual Warfare, Systems, The FightRelated posts
The Desperate Need for Statesmen
January 20, 2010
Posted by Dan Edelen in : Boldness, Christianity in North America, Church Issues, Counterculture, Discernment, Dying to Self, Faith, Godly Character, Holiness, Humility, In the News, Leadership, Love, Maturity, Men, Perseverance, Relevance, Simplicity Feedback : 11 comments
So a Republican whose major claim to fame is going nude in Cosmo is the new senator from Massachusetts. And conservatives everywhere are rejoicing.
Forgive me if I don’t blow a horn and wear a silly hat.
No, I can’t get pumped about yet another political lightweight who drank the party-line Kool-Aid and talks about real change. Frankly, the Democrats and Republicans are true to one goal only : their own political ambitions.
Can I ask a simple question? Here it is:
Where are the statesmen?
America is in bad shape. Honestly, I think the collective wound is deeper and more threatening than anyone in D.C. cares to admit. And that wound is only going to get deeper if we don’t throw the bums out and put some serious people on Capitol Hill. People who do what is right, not because it is makes the bigwigs happy, but because they fear God.
What we need are statesmen. Folks who don’t go all weak in the knees when the GOP party chairman calls ‘em up on the line or Barney Frank blows ‘em a kiss. People who remember the point of this country. People who don’t pass laws just because. People of deep convictions that can’t be sold to the highest bidder. Intellectuals with big hearts, who are widely read and understand history. People with a spine, who can stand up to dictators around the globe and not flinch (or bow).
We need guys like Henry Clay and Daniel Webster. Remember them?
And this terrible lack of statesmen applies to the American Church. The national stage of Christian leaders is littered with lightweights who have the wrong motivations, wrong answers to difficult questions, and no vision.
Jesus called Simon a rock. He said He would build His Church on a rock like that.
But where are those rocks today? Where are those kinds of Church statesmen in America 2010? Seriously, can you name a half dozen Christian players on the national stage today considered to have a brilliant mind and a heart of compassion?
I admit that part of the problem here is that the kind of personality that makes for a genuine Church statesman is the humble one that stays out of the limelight and isn’t listening to himself on Christian radio.
Still, desperate times call for humble, nameless Church statesmen to rise up.
Call them prophets if you will. Call them the mighty heroes of old. But for all our sakes, someone, anyone, please call them! We need Christians like that from every profession and walk of life.
And we need them now.
Tags: Clay, Conviction, Democratic Party, Democrats, GOP, Hous of Representatives, Humility, Intellect, Leaders, Leadership, Massachusetts, Politics, Republican Party, Republicans, Scott Brown, Senate, Statesmen, Webster, WisdomRelated posts
Your Holy Spirit Is W-A-Y Too Safe
January 6, 2010
Posted by Dan Edelen in : Boldness, Charismatic, Christianity in North America, Church Issues, Counterculture, Discernment, Dying to Self, Godhead, Godly Character, Leadership, Maturity, Oddities, Supernaturalism, The Holy Spirit Feedback : 11 comments
One of the few Godbloggers I’ve met in person is Jared Wilson, author of Your Jesus Is Too Safe. We chowed down on McDonald’s in Nashville one night and talked writing.
I like the title of Jared’s book. Yet the more I think about it, the more I think that it’s not Jesus who causes the most trouble for Christians.
It’s the Holy Spirit.
When the Holy Spirit shows up in power in a church, the status quo changes. Those people especially touched by Him, ones who were often sideline sitters, suddenly are empowered to take on new roles and responsibilities within the body of Christ. The old ways of doing church fall into line with God’s way. Distracting programs and costly plans end up abandoned. Miracles happen. The charismatic gifts break out. And on and on.
And that threatens a lot of people. Especially those in charge.
The Holy Spirit’s penchant for busting up idols in a church, no matter how cherished they might be, is one of the most unnerving realities some church leaders face. Some denominations even take a formal stance against anything “charismatic” happening in their churches. Books are written by “safe” Christian authors/pastors/leaders about the need to keep “that stuff” down. You hear supposedly mature Christians ranting about what they don’t want the Holy Spirit to do in their churches.
So much for faith and humble submission! And while we’re at it, let’s just scrap the empowering for miraculous ministry, too.
So while Jesus may be relegated by some to a meek and mild Good Shepherd position, in too many churches the Holy Spirit is denied and unwanted because He’s perceived as downright threatening.
Why is the Church in America so timid and powerless? This issue is a great place to start.
Something to think about for 2010 and beyond.
Tags: Baptism of the Holy Spirit, Charismata, Charismatic, Empowerment, Holy Spirit, Jared Wilson, Jesus, Pentecost, Revival, Your Jesus Is Too Safe
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