Men

Purpose—And Why Christian Men Don’t Always Live Theirs

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Another day selling widgets to people who don't need them?At a small group meeting this weekend, we watched a video on bettering one’s marriage. One of the comments the speaker made concerned finding one’s purpose in God, and that this purpose comes from no one else.

And this bothers me. Not because it’s not true, but because one of the most common discussions I have with other Christian men concerns their nearly universal sense of purposelessness. In fact, I would say that at least 70 percent of the Christian men I know have this nagging feeling that they’re not doing what they are supposed to be doing. And this usually means in their careers, in their walk with the Lord, or in both.

I brought this issue up in the discussion that f0llowed the video, and the general response was that men who felt that way were not close enough to God or else they wouldn’t feel that way. God doesn’t leave people twisting in the wind, they say.

Sadly, I think that’s the common perception. But I think there’s a deeper issue here.

Many of the Christian men who struggle with their sense of purpose do so not because they haven’t already caught a vision from God, but because they have. The problem there is they have no sense of how to make that vision a reality, especially when confronted with a common set of dilemmas. Ask a Christian man who struggles with purpose what he suspects the problem might be, and I believe he’ll give you one of these five answers:

1. His wife doesn’t support his vision

“Hon, I think we ought to sell our 5,000 square foot home, move out of the gated community, and buy a tiny brownstone apartment in a poor neighborhood downtown so we can minister to the underprivileged.”

In a lot of households, such a proclamation would exemplify the phrase went over like a lead balloon. In a few, it might also spell divorce.

I think a lot of men who catch a real vision from God see it die on the vine right here. If the wife doesn’t agree, that’s the end of it. Better to keep her happy and stay in the megachurch with all the best people rather than risk her cutting you off—and some of you know what I mean.

While this may not be true for all men, it’s true for enough. It may even be true for you, but you’ve been afraid to tell anyone.

It’s a sensitive issue, isn’t it? Lots of possible damage if handled poorly.

But then, consider Job and his wife. What would have happened if he had listened to her rather than sticking with what he knew was the right thing to do? (For all their talk of men being prophets, priests, and kings, Evangelicals seem to go mute when Mrs. Prophet/Priest/King objects to her hubby’s vision for the household.)

Still, most men aren’t as righteous as old Job or as steeped in their convictions. So the vision goes on hold. And with it comes that nagging sense of purpose gone missing, a relentless ticking clock, and more frustration than some men can bear.

2. Following the vision may mean a non-traditional upbringing for his children—one that may be generally disapproved of

You have to have your kids in private piano lessons, select sports teams, Chinese language tutoring, and on and on so the little darlings can make it into an Ivy League school right? Isn’t that what Focus on the Family teaches?

What to do then when God gives you a vision that may take you and your wife to the jungles of Africa while your kids stay behind in boarding school?

Ooh, boarding school. How 19th century.

People chosen by God to do a special work used to do that, though. And their kids grew up to be normal and happy in about the same proportions as kids today whose parents would kill to get them into Harvard, ministry be damned.

I read a story of a family that packed up their eight kids into a car and traveled around the country singing in churches or wherever people would have them. No RV, not even a sense of where they would sleep for the night or where the money would come from, they counted on God to provide food, clothing, and shelter.

That would get you tarred and feathered in some churches. You’d be called every lousy parent name in the book, and then some names people would coin just to spite you in particular. Some withered prunes might even call the government down on your head and accuse you of child abuse. Bad, dad!

Somewhere, someone’s sharpening the knives for a man who discusses that kind of greater vision. And rather than risk being publicly eviscerated, that man backs down, and his sense of purpose goes kaput for the sake of the “perfect” Evangelical nuclear family, no matter what Luke 18:29-30 says.

3. His church, the one he’s been a part of since forever, disapproves

A man sits in front of church leaders and pitches his vision…

MAN: “I’d like to start a church ministry to the local gay community.”

LEADER #1: (Nervously) “Doing what?”

MAN: “Evangelism and outreach. We could begin by inviting some from that community to our church functions, like the next father/s0n baseball game.”

LEADER #2: (Also nervously) “But that’s next month. And it will expose our kids to a sinful lifestyle.”

MAN: “Gay men have sons, don’t they?”

LEADER #3: (About to wet himself) “Yeah, sometimes, I guess. Still, I’m not sure our people are ready for that kind of…uh…”

LEADER #2: (Claiming to be wise) “At this point, I think we need to table this measure for our next leadership meeting and discuss it privately.”

MAN: “Does that mean I should come back then?”

LEADER #3: “No, the leadership team will talk it over privately and we’ll let you know.”

A couple years later, that man is still waiting.

It happens, folks. It may have happened to you. I know it’s happened to me.

4. He’s hit with “If you’re providing for your family, spending time with the wife and kids, attending church weekly, and involving yourself in a church-sponsored ministry activity once in a while, why would you possibly feel a lack of purpose? That’s the dream Christian life right there.”

Well, it’s the dream Christian life according to some folks. Not all would agree. In fact, in a lot of ways, it doesn’t vary much from the “self-serving” life of the average pagan, except that instead of church, Mr. Average Pagan is in the Kiwanis Club (which in some cases may be as involved in helping others as the local church).

Some men dream bigger. They’re thinking outside the church box. And like the proverbial square peg, others are trying to jam them into a cultural Christian round hole.

Isn’t it odd that Evangelicals laud men like Hudson Taylor, Jim Elliot, and Eric Liddell, then turn around and repeat the words above to other men? What would have happened to those heroes of the faith had they heeded the words above and exchanged their vision for one of average suburban Christianity?

5. He pursued a vision once before—and failed

Does a genuine vision from God ever fail?

That’s a question some are not willing to deal with honestly. Do God-honoring churches fail? Do Christian companies go out of business? Do Christian marriages end up in divorce? Does the long-prayed-for child born to the long-childless couple get sick and die? Does the pastor who loves Christ with his whole being ever get lynched by the very congregation everyone agreed he was called to serve?

Nothing crushes an earnest Christian man more than to step out in faith and get steamrolled by a sin-filled world. And too often, in the aftermath of that failure, people won’t let him forget that the thing he longed to do for God more than anything somehow didn’t turn out. In many cases, the pain is amplified because others spiritualize the reasons for that failure and use the sanctified explanation against him, which only makes his reluctance to follow a new vision even more paralyzing.

I’ve known a lot of good, God-fearing men who have been stymied by one or more of the five items listed above. These are not stupid, lazy, cowardly, weak-faithed men. They’re just finding that the very people or situations that are supposed to be most helpful to them are actually not. Those men may very well have a genuine vision that will lead to the ultimate purpose of God in their lives, yet they fear they may never get there, finding themselves stuck in a gray place with no easy answers.

If that’s you, please drop me a line. I want to pray for you. I can’t promise a solution to your situation, but I can pray. God may indeed step in and clear that pathway so you can finally walk in your God-given vision.

My word to you is Don’t give up. I know the pressure on you is enormous. You have so many people to satisfy, well-meaning Christian people who may not understand your vision. Please, don’t give up.

God can make a way where there is no way. It may mean laying down more than you are willing to sacrifice at this time, but God can mold you and take you to that place of ultimate sacrifice.

God is good. And He’s given you a vision. Trust Him for the fulfillment.

Is the American Church Too Macho?

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Gunplay between brothers?If there’s been a clarion call in churches the last few years, it’s the alarm of people decrying the feminization of the Church in America. We hear over and over how there’s no place for men in the local church anymore.

But the more I think about this, the more I wonder if it’s the presence of too much femininity that is driving out the masculinity, or have men traded-in genuine Christianity for a macho fake?

Consider this…

Your church decides to start two new “ministries” that meet on different nights:  an intercessory prayer group and a fantasy football group primarily for church attendees.

Here’s my bet: In the vast majority of cases, men who claim they have very little extra time outside of work and home will flock to the fantasy football group and shun the prayer group. Well, that’s obvious, you say. Let me fine tune it, then:  If you remove the fantasy football group from the mix and start just the intercessory prayer group, in most churches the attendance for that prayer group will still be 75 percent women and 25 percent men. And in some cases, it will be even more lopsided in favor of the women.

Is this the result of a feminized Church, or a Church where men dropped the ball on genuine Christian masculinity?

Men are typically hopelessly outnumbered by women in many churches in the following areas:

Children’s ministry

Visiting the sick & shut-ins

Visiting the elderly

Intercessory prayer

Christian education

Ministry to the disadvantaged

What gets me is that none of those ministries is intrinsically feminine.

But if the church sponsors a barbecue cook-off, you can bet that 80-90 percent of the cooks in that competition will be men. They’ll be in the church parking lot at dusk with their slow cookers, camping out all night, ready and eager to display their masterpieces in pulled pork by noon the next day.

In fact, it seems to me that men come out in droves for stuff like church-sponsored softball games, fishing trips, men’s retreats, and all the stuff that smacks of being the caricature of manliness. Meanwhile, in actual ministry-related work that supposedly favors neither male nor female, it’s the women doing most of the heavy lifting.

And don’t say it’s because of the 3:2 numerical advantage women have over men in the American Church. I don’t buy that cop-out.

Case in point…

I was part of a church at one time that had about 3,500 attendees. That church had a fairly level ratio of men and women. At that time, the church had groups for motorcycle-riding, gun-shooting, and many others with a  “just for the fellowship” emphasis that would appeal to men. Fine by me—I’m all for fellowship groups. The only problem was that this same church had one men’s Bible study and about a dozen women’s Bible studies. I was painfully aware of that inexplicably lopsided ratio too. Why? Because I was the men’s Bible study leader. When I asked why there was only one men’s Bible study group, the answer I usually got was that they’d not been able to maintain more than one or two for any length of time. (What made it even nuttier was about half of the ten or so men that filtered through my group on a regular basis didn’t even attend the church.)

It seems to me that men will show up for church stuff when they have a chance to show off their machismo, but flex some spiritual muscles? Not so much.

So I don’t think it’s as much of a case of the Church being feminized as it is a case of men surrendering their God-appointed roles as spiritual leaders within the Church. They’d rather watch March Madness than bow their knees at  a 24-hour prayer meeting for the soul of the nation. Meanwhile, elderly grannies are keeping the devils at bay.

So the next time I hear some guy whimpering about how women are taking over the church, maybe a swift kick to the ‘nads will get him to wise up.

Or some spiritual equivalent. 😉

Still Looking for a Few Good Men

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When I was growing up, it seemed like men were different.

I can’t put my finger on it exactly—and maybe it’s a rose-colored glasses thing tinted by youth and inexperience—but men seemed more serious back in the 1960s than the men of today. Back then, if a man who lived nearby said he’d meet you at 6 p.m. Friday in a neighborhood park to toss a baseball, he would

—actually show up

—actually show up on time

—show you something you didn’t know, like how to throw a curveball or a sinker

—possibly bring you a ball to keep

—tell you, in passing,  why alcohol and cigarettes were bad for your health

—watch his language like a hawk

—not even consider any “funny business”

And your parents wouldn’t think twice that you were out alone in a park with a man who was not a relative.

I don’t know if men changed or our ability to trust changed, but it’s not that way anymore.

When I was growing up, there was a sense among all the men that they had a responsibility to boys, even those who were not their own sons. Call it that “tribal” feeling—that men, all men, were charged with ensuring the next generation grew up straight and true, into better men than the generation that spawned them.

God help us—what happened to that ideal?

Back when I was at Wheaton, I wrote a paper on a thesis of my own devising concerning the implications of the loss of rites of passage within the Church. I grew up Lutheran, and to be a full voting member of the church, we had to go through catechism and then be grilled on the Faith by the pastor. Real men from properly trained boysThese were not lobbed question, either, but stuff like What is the nature of Man? and How does Man relate to His Creator? (Today, you’d be hard pressed to find a kid in your youth group who could thoughtfully answer those questions.)

That rite meant something. When you successfully navigated it, the world changed. Adults expected more of you. You could sit on church boards and make decisi0ns along with the rest of the adults. And the men in the church treated you like one of their own.

Today, we have too many churches who have abandoned rites of passage. And it shows, especially when you consider that some polls have 80-85 percent of Christian teens renouncing their faith by the time they graduate from college. Too many of those “enlightened” graduates go on to be brain-dead party boys who screw everything that moves and live in perpetual childhood. Back when America was largely agrarian, children meant something: the survival of the family. But today, children have no genuine purpose except to be children. So why should we be surprised when today’s child-men never outgrow that perception, never developing into the kind of men some of us older guys still remember. Now, asking callow youth to grow up seems like trying to blow out the sun, given that for 21+ years no one bothered to model for them what a real man, a real Christian man, looks like.

I’d like to think that I was one of those old school guys, like the kind I used to know. But I’m not really. I realize that the ideal started fraying with my generation, that we were the first boys that had an uncertain manhood awaiting us. Feminism was on the march, the drug culture was firing up, and so was the culture of privilege and entitlement. Somewhere along the way, manhood did a nosedive and has not recovered.

Not convinced? Need an example?

I don’t think a better example exists than with the current financial meltdown. If you were to go back to the founding of the investment houses, like Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, and Merrill Lynch, those companies were run by real men. If some smart-aleck tried to run subprime-mortgage-backed derivatives  past Mr. Goldman, Mr. Sachs, the Lehman brothers, or Misters Merrill and Lynch, he’d have one of those founders burying a foot about 18 inches deep in his backside. Why? Because those founders were men, and their names meant something. Getting involved in such tawdry schemes violated their ethics and their sense of who they were as men. Today? Most of what passes for men today would trade their reputations for a quick killing in the market, no matter who got slaughtered in the aftermath. And that’s exactly what we saw exposed last year.

This isn’t an appeal to go kill a bear with a pointy stick, as has been epitomized by much of the Christian men’s movement, but to start getting serious and singleminded again about how we turn boys into men, real men, not the poseurs masquerading as  men today. We need to see genuine rites of passage return to our churches, a passage not into Spartan-like manhood but into proper handling of  the Scriptures, women, children, the work world, and on and on.

My fear? That my generation is so compromised that we won’t be able to reconstruct what it is that we have lost so we can pass on something of worth to the boys following us.

And trust me, that’s something that should make men everywhere genuinely afraid.