On Disappointment

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.
—Psalms 27:13-14 NASB

Disappointed
— 36,600,000 occurrences on Google

Disappointment is always lurking. Due to astonishing similarities to an existing series of books by a bestselling novelist (who was a complete unknown to me just a few weeks ago), my novel and the series that I hoped would spring from it may be dead. At the advice of another author who was familiar with that other novelist's recently published trilogy, Faceplant I read those books. Having finished them this last Sunday, I sit here now and wonder how it is possible.

It wasn't too long ago that I landed my dream job at Apple Computer bashing Windows and the PCs that ran it. Newly married, I was on top of the world. We moved cross-country, thrilling to the hope held out before us. However, less than six months later my department was disbanded and we were stuck in Silicon Valley, a place where "it's all about who you know," without knowing anyone.

My mother was a "mom's Mom" in every sense of the word. And though she worked with young children every day, she had no grandchildren. How excited we were to learn of our pregnancy just days before we flew back to Cincinnati to stay with my folks for Christmas. There was even talk of moving back to be near the soon-to-be grandparents. Two months later, Mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. We moved back to Cincinnati, and I was fortunate to find a great job. My Dad died a couple weeks before the Christmas that followed the joyous one just a year before; Mom followed just over three months later. My exciting new company started having money trouble in the wake of the looming Internet bust and the layoffs came. My wife kept her good job, but we had a new baby and Dad's estate was troubling, so I stayed home to try to solve all the issues of losing both parents in rapid succession. We moved into our first home just a few months later—and then my wife was laid off, too. New house, new child, no parents, no income.

And so it goes.

In the last ten years I've stared in the face of more disappointments than I can remember. After a while you take a look at your list of goals in life and ask, "What was I thinking?" And while that's not the commonly accepted Christian response to goal-setting—at least from what all the bestsellers on the Christian bookstore shelves say—it may be closer to the truth than some wish to admit.

When the Tower of Siloam fell on eighteen hapless residents of long-ago Palestine, Jesus wasn't trapped by the question of the source for their rotten sense of timing and luck, He simply said, "…unless you repent, you will all likewise perish." He had a much different perspective, didn't He?

For centuries people have made the Bible into a talisman for good fortune. Entire theologies are woven around what God is mandated to give us if we apply the right alchemy of verses to our woeful situations. Yet who claims to force the hand of the Almighty? Who is that prideful? Well, Lucifer comes to mind….

What no one asks is if it's okay to pray what David prayed in Psalm 27. He said, "Lord, without the assurance of goodness provided to me in the here and now, I'm ruined!" God never intended for us to go through life without goodness evident this side of Heaven.

Now this is not prosperity thinking. You won't see any links to Rod Parsley on Cerulean Sanctum. But isn't the status quo, either.

I believe that we as a Church need a readjustment. Our idea of goodness is possessing every glossy item featured in the latest Neiman-Marcus catalog, plus a few from Family Christian Stores. We've let America infest our idea of what is good. In many ways, we've traded in a few of our "worldly" trinkets for "approved and redeemed Christian" versions. (A step down if you ask me.)

When we die in real life, what do we take with us? Nothing. But what about when we die at the foot of the cross? The answer's the same. Yet the problem with so many of us American Christians is we aren't fully ready to leave it all at the foot of the cross. And since we aren't, we never fully appreciate what the Father gives us in exchange for all the junk we lug around.

And what does the Father give us at the cross? Jesus.

Folks, do we want Him? Or will we cling to what is ephemeral, what is gone with one pink slip, heart attack, fire, or theft.

The goodness David waited upon, the anchor to goodness that held him, was the Lord Himself. There is no disappointment in the Father for in His right hand are pleasures forever (Psalm 16:11.) And we know who sits in that strong right hand.

When we know Jesus Christ and are known by Him, how can we be disappointed?

A hymn says it all:

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
Than to be the king of a vast domain,
Or be held in sin's dread sway;
I'd rather have Jesus than anything This world affords today.
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause;
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
I'd rather be true to His holy name
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs;
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead

Beloved, never be disapponted that Jesus is all you ultimately have.

Books to Recommend to Searchers and New Finders

Tim Challies did a review of John Stott’s Why I Am a Christian, and while the review itself is fine, something Tim said gave me fodder for this post:

Why I Am A Christian is a good book and one I can recommend with only a small amount of hesitation. It is well-suited to provide to a friend or family-member who is interested in learning more about the Christian faith. It is a good “giveaway” book. I can’t say that it would be my first choice, but you could certainly do far worse.

As someone who likes to give or recommend books for people who are interested in learning more about the Christian faith, or have just given their life to Christ, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve gotten stale in my recommendations.

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity has been my go-to work whenever I talk to someone about the Lord or hear that someone is investigating Christianity. I’ve given away so many of these over the years that I once visited a church and stopped by its library, only to find the copy on the shelves was one that had my name, address, and phone number in it! You can’t beat the logical presentation and the fact that Lewis goes back to First Cause and reasons from there. I’ve always thought the de-emphasizing of Biblical citations actually works in favor of the book, too, especially when read by people who criticize making “circular” references to the Bible to prove the case for the Lord.

And while I’ve read Evidence that Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell and Lee Strobel’s The Case for Christ, I haven’t yet made them staples of my book giving. I recommend them to searchers, but I’ve long wanted to supplement my recommendation of Mere Christianity with something else.

I think I do better with book suggestions for new Christians though, and while there are plenty of good books out there, I’ve stuck with some proven choices.

The Fight by John White

For years my book of choice for new Christians has been John White’s The Fight. This classic has worn well over the years and InterVarsity Press still keeps it in its catalog. Good for them. There aren’t enough books that I know of that do such a good job of covering the basics of how to start in the Christian faith. When someone I know surrenders to the Lord, I always give them this book.

Another moldy oldie that I absolutely love for numerous reasons is Tony Salerno’s Life in Christ: A Manual for Disciples. It’s a Bible study/workbook that covers just about every aspect of the Christian life, but it delves into topics not found in most books of its type, including study sections on the baptism of the Holy Spirit, making restitution to those you’ve wronged before your salvation, the nature of the Church and its functions in the world, spiritual warfare, the believer’s commissioning from Christ, and even a section that functions as a scrapbook of one’s coming to faith.

Life in Christ by Tony Salerno

And even though it was first published in 1983, it can never go out of style because it features an astonishing set of engravings of Christians scenes from the Bible and elsewhere by the likes of Gustav Doré and others. Let me say that the art direction for this book is top notch and has not gotten old even though the book itself has roots in The Agape Force (memories anyone?) Lastly, it contains a forward by David Wilkerson and preface by Leonard Ravenhill, along with quotes and sidebars by Moody, Spurgeon, Torrey, Goforth, and other greats of the Faith—how can anyone ask for more? Unfortunately, I fear this fine book is no longer being offered by Bethany House Publishers, although it is still being available from Amazon, but only as used. If that’s the case, I suspect it only went out of print in the last couple months. (I always told myself that I should buy about a hundred of these, but the cost for that many has always been an issue.) I hope it goes back into print soon. As one of the only books of its kind that addresses the Faith from the vantage point of charismatics and Pentecostals, it is absolutely needed.

Disciple by Juan Carlos Ortiz

Disciple by Juan Carlos Ortiz does a fine job emphasizing the Lordship of Christ in the believer’s life. (Ironically, Amazon lists its “Better Together” partner as White’s The Fight.) It goes all the way back to 1975, but returns to print from time to time—right now it is still available. Ortiz, formerly the pastor of the largest church in Argentina, brings his distinctly Latin American sensibilities to the book and it reads very simply yet profoundly at the same time. His illustration of the believer’s handing over his life to Christ has gotten a lot of mileage in Christian circles. If you’ve read this book, you’ll know what I mean. Still, I think it started with this book. Back in the early 1980s, just about everyone I knew had read this one and loved it. For years it was my favorite book. Don’t let the fact that Ortiz once ran the Hispanic ministry of Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral dissuade you from reading this; it contains nothing resembling Schuller’s message.

I’m just now reading C. J. Mahaney’s The Cross Centered Life and it may very well enter my list of recommended works for baby Christians. As easy to read as Disciple (and even shorter), Mahaney gets to the point in an age when the cross has fallen out of fashion in too many churches. Centering one’s life on the work of Jesus on Calvary was good enough for Paul; it should be good enough for us. A desperately needed message, for sure.

So, dear readers, what do you recommend in books for those investigating Christianity and for the newly converted? I welcome you to fill the comments section with anything you think is worthwhile. This is a need in the Body of Christ and I hope what we discuss here will help all of us and those people with whom we share these books.

Boomerang Prayer?

I’m not a “personal journal” blogger, but occasionally I talk about my own life. Though readers may get the impression from my posts that I have all the answers—because I tend to write like I do—there are still many things in life I struggle with. This post is about one of those things. It’s also a call out to readers of Cerulean Sanctum to help me grow as a Christian by understanding something about prayer and life I just don’t get.

In the last few years, my family has been through a lot. We’ve perservered amid some incredibly tough times and I think my wife and I are stronger people for it. We truly learned how to trust God to provide for every need and realized how much we need the community of faith.

We have a comfortably-sized home on thirteen acres of rural Ohio land. Due to some of the struggles we’ve had since we moved in here, we haven’t done a lot of decorating or making it ours. In many ways it is the exact house that the previous owners left behind.

Given that we seem to be past some of the hardships, in the last few months we’ve done some fixing up of our kitchen, probably the one part of the house most in need of updating. The folks who lived here before us left behind major kitchen appliances that were older than the house; when we bought it, I knew the refrigerator, range, and dishwasher had to go.

After being here four years next month, we finally replaced all three with very nice Kenmore units. As the cook and stay-at-home parent, I’ve been ecstatic about these new appliances and extremely grateful that we were able to buy them. We gave the old appliances—they still worked—to a family in our church who could put them to good use. Missing puzzle piece

Here’s where it gets odd for me.

When the new appliances showed up, I thanked God for them and prayed that, given their cost, we would not have any expenses come up that would hurt as a result of their purchase. Specifically, I prayed that we would be spared from two major expenses: hospital visits and emergency car servicing.

Well, within two weeks of this prayer, my son had to go to the hospital (and despite our insurance, we will still pay a lot for the visit) and my wife’s car starting stalling. Then came the check engine light. Yesterday, we forked over $1000 to have the fuel injectors replaced on what is only a five-year old Corolla. The coincidence of this—with a son who hasn’t seen the inside of a hospital since he was born and a car that’s run pretty much flawlessly—is just too much.

What troubles me is that I have a history of this kind of thing in my life. In fact, it occurs so regularly that I am tempted not to pray for (or against) certain things simply because I know that if I do, those very things are going to boomerang in a bad way. Prayers like, “Lord, keep me healthy so we can enjoy this weekend out of town,” (I get sick the day we leave), or “Please God, don’t let this client push up their due date right now because I’m slammed” (the two week due date suddenly becomes two days), or “Lord, I just managed to tighten our belts in such a way that I saved $100 off our monthly budget, thank you!” (and the next day we’re informed our insurance is going up—you guessed it—a $100 a month), seem to work against me far more often than not.

Now before someone tells me I should trust God and not give in to “fearful” prayers, I give you this:

…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7 ESV)

That’s pretty much my operating verse here. That’s how I do it. I lay all those things before the Lord and move on.

So why so many outcomes like this?

I’ve been a Christian for almost thirty years, so I’ve got a pretty holistic perspective in general, but this kind of “prayer that goes awry” is one I’m not sure I get. Everything seems to be a bit too coincidental.

You could:

Chalk it up to Satan, but then that seems to make him more powerful than God.
Say it has to do something with sin in my own life, but if you know me, you’ll know I confess things so as not to be burdened by them.
Say it’s just coincidence and that’s life, but it’s too coincidental for my liking.
Claim I’m not praying in faith, but honestly, I certainly don’t want those things to happen—and isn’t the Philippians passage the cover here? If we start purposefully holding back requests, where does it end?

Am I the only one who experiences this sort of thing routinely? It’s weird to me and bothers my wife, too. Anyone out there with more wisdom is certainly welcome to shed some light on this for me. After this latest incident, I’m a bit cowed to even open my mouth for requests like this.